![]() I hope my wangsty self-deprecation is coming across here. He clears out DOZENS MORE GUYS while shrugging off BULLET HITS like they're MOSQUITO BITES. Seriously, why do I bother? I'm totally fucking useless. MAX dives off a BALCONY and effortlessly HEADSHOTS ABOUT SIX GUYS. Oh God, why do I keep fucking everything up? I'm such an idiot. The BALACLAVAS are suddenly ROLLED DOWN, and FABIANA and GIOVANNA get TAKEN HOSTAGE by a bunch of GANG MEMBERS led by SERRANO. Oh well, back to keeping a keen eye out for potential threats. Like, what's with the dozen or so scowling muscular dudes peppered throughout the club, wearing rolled-up balaclavas on their heads? They look like idiots. MARCELO, FABIANA and FABIANA'S SISTER GIOVANNA are partying while MAX guards them and PASSOS waits by the HELICOPTER. They all RAIL LINES OF COCAINE while getting into a HELICOPTER because LIMOUSINES are for PEASANTS. Well, now we obviously need to lay low and stay safe for a while, at least until we can figure out who the hell those people were and what they wanted with HA HA JUST KIDDING, LET'S GO GET WASTED AT A NIGHTCLUB! ![]() People were entrusted to my protection and they - they're still alive? Shit, I've never gotten this far before. So you get people out of peril by putting them in different kinds of peril? Fair enough. MAX sends the VAN into a CONCRETE PILLAR and safely extracts RODRIGO. Shoot out the tires and crash it? No problem! Max, the other thugs have loaded Rodrigo into a van! Maybe you can. MAX uses a SLIDE-BY SHOOTING to SAVE FABIANA'S LIFE. What's that? Slide down this awning and land a million-to-one headshot? Got it! Max, the thug holding a gun to Fabiana's head hasn't spotted you yet! Try taking careful aim and. Suddenly, a bunch of MASKED THUGS pour out of the ELEVATOR and start pointing GUNS at all the RICH SOCIALITES.īring us Harvey Dent! Oh whoops, wrong party. Yeah, these are the people you're supposed to be rooting for me to keep alive. Oh thanks! Let's see, there's stinking rich business tycoon Rodrigo Branco, his sleazy politician brother Victor, his drunken hedonist other brother Marcelo, and his vapid socialite wife Fabiana. Go ahead and work some barely concealed contempt in there. Hey Max, all the members of the Branco family are currently in this room, so if you want to do a quick introductory roll call, now's a good time. MAX finds himself employed as a BODYGUARD by a family of RICH BRAZILIAN ASSHOLES. Your wry satirical take on America ought to work well with this franchise.Įxactly! Uhh, it doesn't matter WHICH America, does it? ![]() For this game I'll be tapping into my own particular brand of grim pretentiousness. The last anybody saw of Sam Lake, he was running off into the woods with as many Stephen King novels as he could carry. Is it just me, or has Sam Lake's prose gotten a shitload less purple?Īctually, this game was written by me. Life is like a piece of shit, in that it sucks. MAX PAYNE is MOPING AROUND and looks UTTERLY UTTERLY MISERABLE, which is GOOD because with his THIRD FACE IN AS MANY GAMES, this is the only way we can RECOGNISE HIM. ![]()
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